Marrakesh, a road trip for the WB and DD!

Have you ever watched “AbFab” where Eddie and Patsy sell Saffy to an Arab and then weeks later, she turns up on a donkey just like the Virgin Mary??? Well my tales of Marrakesh are very different!
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For a start all that was shouted at us was ‘FISH AND CHIPS, LADY GAGA, LADY DI’ at DD my bessie mate that I went with, and to add insult to injury, Spice girls!!!! More like old spice and they wouldn’t sell that in the soukes ! I was offered a handsome 3000 camels for DD but to me that’s an insult, I need at least 6000 and a goat thrown in for good measure before I will reconsider? As for me not even a hint of a chicken, dead or alive!!!!! Guess they prefer a younger model not a old past it barren widow 🙂 .

DD and I are off to the first gaff, called a Riad and it was lovely but in the rabbit warren of the Medina. Now we would never have found this place even with a satnav! From the moment you step off a plane, its haggle time. Your a prime target for bribes and hassle! On the advice of the riad guys, whom were very helpful and lovely but I am sure if you take them out of the compound, they also turn into slimy, haggle monsters, whom see us as easy target, just ignore everyone and keep walking! Ok day one, I fail big time and DD’s being sensible getting me to safety! Day two, result, I am suddenly deaf and dumb! 🙂

DD and I are season travelers and not shy of getting on planes, trains and automobiles! We do love a good bus trip around the place we are visiting and lo and behold, Marrakesh have a bus tour! A piece of advance, always take a bus tour day one, it will help get your bearings of a place, or so we thought? Now for peeps who haven’t had the pleasure of going to Marrakesh, its divided into several parts but two main areas, New Marrakesh and old Marrakesh!
New Marrakesh is being developed and is going to be lovely once complete with chic residential places and golf. When we went all that was apparent was camels, bloody lots of the smelly ugly beggars! What the hell they were all doing there’s beyond me but they were there. So, day one and bus tour taken, DD and I should have our bearings, right????? WRONG, let me tell you, Moroccan men won’t be winning any prizes for map drawing! To be honest, if you life depends on getting to a place, ask a blind person, they may have more chance of getting the directions correct. DD and I head off to a restaurant, that’s recommended by the Raid guys and very well known, APPARENTLY, by the entire of Marrakesh? Map in hand we set off, I swear the locals were taking the piss with directions because after an hour we are right back where we started? It was made obvious when early on in the journey, I noticed a car very like MG’s (see earlier KB’s) and being that its the only one I have seen in the city, when an hour later, said car is right in front of us, both DD and I decide to take taxi’s everywhere! Get this, even when your lost, look lost and ask for help and directions, the buggers are trying to fleece ya!
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Food is major in this country and very tasty but carb heavy so I swear I need to be rolled onto the plane, I have eaten that much I need to be squeezed just like Violet Bo-regard in Charlie and the chocolate factory. Major detox and diet when I return to the UK.

Day two, we brave the soukes! Now here is where I fear it going tits up BUT how wrong were we? Its easier to get around without hassle but barter, its a great game. DD turned into Imelda Marcos buying shoes for the entire infant community that are now in her life. As for me, its gotta be herbalists and being a sucker for trying something new, we both parted with a few hundred of the local dibdob! I will share a little secret about my darling DD, she HATES and I mean HATES with a passion, snakes???? Not a good move in the Medina where snakes and charmers are part of the local attraction daily. Here’s my thinking, its bloody hot as hell, midday, no one in the right mind would bring live snakes to the square at this time???? Wrong again, we narrowly avoid the monkeys to the left at 11 o’clock to face at 2 o’clock a marquee of dirty brown cobra’s?????? Poor DD is now attached to my backside like a bussle and head that far up my back, i swear I am looking like the hunch back of Notradame! We could have won gold medals that day for the fastest dash! Crisis averted 🙂 .

DD and I say, ” born to drink bubbles on a coke cola life style” so that evening after much deliberation, we set off to a very posh hotel called La Momunia. Now a room for the night won’t leave you change from £400 so its on the cards to be expensive. As an appetizer before dinner we opt for a glass of champagne, well we do like bubbles! I won’t disclose the price per glass as its deemed bad manners but the meal we ate was spectacular and the best tomato gazpacho, we both agreed to have tasted. We dinned in the Moroccan restaurant under the stars. Romantic it is but even better with your bezzie mate and not having to worry about a fumble at the end of the night? The amount we both ate I was beyond food drunk. I actually managed to compile my death row menu that night. A game for all to play, DD is still not 100% sure what her final menu is, so for now, we will carry on eating out? Purely for research!!!!

A note here, DD and I live life to the maximum and have amazing adventures that are probably only possible because we are bezzie mates, understand each other and men would get in the way? oh DD is single and looking for her Mr Right, so please feel free to let me know if your interested? vetting will take place but you maybe the lucky one! Uniforms and officers in the forces may also apply freely. You have a better chance of nomination? 🙂

Back to Marrakesh!

Hamman’s are the Moroccan spa’s and its only right to get pampered on a girly holiday. Little tip here, know your mate very well because its slightly intimate, topless and involves being scrubbed, oiled up, almost hosed down followed by a full body massage, including the boob area! Now now boys, its not as kinky as it sounds and after your scrubbed or should I say sanded down the kink is gone 🙂 ! Its nearly a two hour procedure but you don’t half sleep well after.

Our next part of the journey took us to a Villa, 20km outside the city and its an oasis behind a large wall away from the noise, pollution and intense hassle from the street folk. The villa caters for 8 rooms for up to 45 occupants, to our surprise we are the only guest so VIP treatment starts, upgraded to the best suit in the place and the entire staff and place to ourselves? DD and I have died and gone to heaven. Foods great, wines flowing , staff being brought into give us spa treatments, what could go wrong??? Nothing apart from a bee deciding to sting DD on her thigh on the last but one day and two days of rain. Moroccans really don’t know what to do when it rains? Us Brits are so use to it.

33 thousand miles above the ground heading back to Manchester, the last gripe we have is Marrakesh airport!!!! You can do better in service and standards, oh and try to clean up better! Rubbing elbows on the food counter with a bloody big cockroach won’t win you Michelin Stars!

Its been a great road trip but hey, there are still 3 days left before work??? Fook it, lets go to Portsmouth 🙂
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