Trauma issues.

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The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic and you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.

From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.
From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.
From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave. From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too. From all the lies and all the betrayals. You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.
You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball… because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right? You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.

Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.
So, you don’t trust anyone.
And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.
To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable.
“Never again,” you vow.

But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.
Fortresses and armour are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.

It’s a trauma response.
The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.
💗You are worthy of having support.
💗You are worthy of having true partnership.
💗You are worthy of love.
💗You are worthy of having your heart held.
💗You are worthy to be adored.
💗You are worthy to be cherished.
💗You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise.
💗You are worthy to receive.
💗You are worthy.
You don’t have to earn it.
You don’t have to prove it.
You don’t have to bargain for it.
You don’t have to beg for it.
💗You are worthy.
💗WORTHY.
Simply because you exist.~

The world according to a narcissist.

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Narcissists do not connect to YOU, your thoughts, or words – but they are aware of their actions! Let us unpack what these Narcissists are all about! I am going to try to get into the head of the Narcissist for you to see the distorted reality of what is really going on in there. This would be a good article to share with people that do not understand what this abuse is about or what a narcissist does to people.

From the Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist.

https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468750462&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

Narcissists ALWAYS tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions. In turn they will accuse and blame others to divert attention away from themselves and the truth. A Narcissist will refuse to accept the perspective of any human being, but they will irrationally defend their own distorted/delusional position and lies as well as force you into accepting them as reality and the end result is that you discard or dump YOUR normal and healthy reality. Narcissists always make people feel that they MUST please them.

They cunningly access and withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing because it gives them the ability to control and manipulate future events. A Narcissist will slowly but surely erode their target/victim’s reality, self-esteem, and spirit! Narcissists completely avoid and NEVER acknowledge the feelings of others, yet they will often bring up how their emotions are being affected and how WE do not respect or honor their needs. They are eternal victims and NOTHING you do is worthy of meeting their needs. “We JUST don’t love them enough.”

They will slight a target/victim or perhaps make them accept digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the Narcissist to say they were just kidding while still being abusive and hurting the target/victim.

Narcissists will completely change the subject to divert attention back onto themselves. You could be talking to them about a serious matter, and it will be dismissed in moments, so the Narcissist has all the attention right back where they feel it belongs – ON THEM. Or they will BULLY you with shouting, dismiss you, and walk away. You never feel that anything about you is important enough for consideration by the Narcissist and you are right!

Narcissists make others feel worthless to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the miserable level of the Narcissist. They always threaten or hint of some form of punishment that they will inflict if YOU don’t do exactly what they are asking or accept what they are saying. THEN of course they will reinforce this with blame as if you did something that deserves their actions and disdain. They will dismiss you completely and silence you. YOU CAN NEVER MEET ANY OF THEIR EXPECTATIONS!

They will be cold, quiet, and distant, then deny that anything is wrong, but it feels as if they ARE angry. But you cannot access what it is so you will have no sense of what is going on to help you feel at ease with them. On the flip side there will be inappropriate emotional outbursts to also distract attention, confusing their targets/victims and shifting blame for something you AGAIN have no real sense of. You are ALWAYS left feeling like you are walking on those infamous eggshells with them or always confused and feeling conflicted as to a cohesive reality with them!

Narcissist ALWAYS try to control others to domineer and limit freedom of expression/speech or individuality. Again, controlling the environment around them with confusion, chaos, bullying and negativity. They are ALWAYS instilling fear or retaliatory punishment for anyone that does not comply with their EVERY wish. They will also deny you ANY success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling you out or basically placing you in the category of a loser and not worthy of proper recognition. Their word is the FINAL word always! A target/victim could have accomplished something so worthy of recognition and the Narcissist will never respond with a supportive word or a congratulation, instead they will minimalize the entire accomplishment OR even find fault in it. They will put a handle on any positive situation to make you doubt your achievement of success. They continually manage people DOWN!

Narcissists always forget commitments and promises purposely because there was nothing real behind their words in the first place – just more of their manipulation to keep you believing. They will even deny that they promised to do something to try to make you believe you are imagining things.

Narcissists will take advantage of any vulnerability using shame, guilt, and fear to make a target feel worthless by highlighting simple insecurities they may have. This could even be done in a manner where the Narcissist will make fun of the target/victim’s physical attributes in a cruel overt manner.

A Narcissist’s actions promises or reality in every situation are totally out of alignment. They ALWAYS say one thing and do another. For example, they preach morality BUT they have no morals and act on their impulses regularly. They may PRETEND to follow a religious doctrine and praise themselves for religious values but possess NONE of these values whatsoever. They ARE the very sinners that they are denouncing, preaching about, and pointing fingers at. The Narcissist I dealt with was/is infamous for this!

Narcissists are only nice when all other options have been removed or when they feel they are trapped into a corner or up against a wall. This is usually when the truth is so evident that they have no other option available to them. There is no remorse to what they have done, they are just trying to wriggle out of being totally exposed for what they have done AND what they are. They also want to keep you trapped in the abuse so they can keep extorting what they can or achieving supply with their insincere apology and patronizing gestures. In time they will replace you once you have caught onto their lies and agenda, BUT of course you are to BLAME for their actions! You are the disordered one and you have abused THEM, and they are “running for their lives” (a favorite and TIRED quote of my Narcissist.) That is really a distorted lie and excuse that they have moved onto a new source, but they are going to keep you locked up in confusion, lies, and abuse surrounding their departure for as long as they can. They will PULL you back into the abuse making you think that there is a possibility of reconciliation. It is just a way for them to achieve more chaos to disable you as much as they can as well as implicate you as being obsessed when THEY are the ones that initiate contact to use against you. Keeping you vulnerable also keeps their abuse hidden from the world.

When they are having a conversation one on one or even in a group setting, they will completely cut someone off as if they are not allowed to speak. Narcissists suppress self-expression and individuality to support their omnipotence and power over others by controlling everyone in their world. Basically, they eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves to feel superior and omnipotent! It shores up their false identity and makes them feel so worthy when it is all based on lies and distortion, BUT THEY JUST DON’T SEE IT AS THIS! They are delusional and self-affirming to support their needy needs.

Narcissist will ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses. They push everyone’s buttons. They will even go as far as humiliating people in public situations to show their superiority. They are psycho bullies. By pushing buttons and highlighting a person’s sensitivity they gain power and evoke fear in the target/victim of choice. They ACTIVATE a person’s insecurities to gain power and superiority over them.

Through their vast arsenal of tools to manipulate a Narcissist will pretend to understand a person’s concerns, but then they will blatantly break every boundary and step all over those concerns and basically violate them and you! If they CAN’T control a person, they will slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of this person. Narcissists RUIN people’s lives.

Narcissists will always attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They won’t believe they make mistakes, and they have no ability to feel or process or truly understand shame.

ALWAYS remember that lies and deceit are a natural part of the narcissist’s world. The old saying, “the best liars lie to themselves first” really applies to Narcissists as well as “the lie often repeated is far more convincing” and they repeat their lies many times over! A narcissist has the amazing ability to believe their own lies even when they fly in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. You MUST take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. A friend of mine always said to me “if they are breathing, they are lying” and it is the truth!

LASTLY! Do not allow yourself to ride on this emotional roller coaster through hell because it is never ending! So then heed this warning and live by it – once you leave OR are out of the relationship the Narcissist does not need you anymore and its more than likely (pretty much a guarantee) you were emotionally and physically replaced long before the separation or discard AND they are out to destroy your integrity AND you.

Everything I outlined here is taken directly from my experience with the Narcissist I knew. Unfortunately, I was blinded by the manipulation, constant lies, and brainwashing. I ‘believed’ and never saw the train wreck in front of me. Was I a damaged person? No not in the normal reality of the behavioral sciences as in having a mental illness or a personality disorder but I became the byproduct of the disabling abuse by being in the company of a highly dysfunctional and disordered person. I have insecurities, I have wounds, I may trust a little too much, I get angry, etc. BUT I am a good person that respects people. I give and love unconditionally, and I know when enough is enough. I get hurt but I do not destroy and punish people because of this, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and ALLOW them the opportunity to talk and work through things. Narcissists do not do this – they prey on ALL of our vulnerabilities.

Go no/minimal contact and stay as far away from them as physically possible. Add to this that you must also train yourself to distance yourself as far away EMOTIONALLY as possible too! SERIOUSLY know that they never loved you nor could they love you because they are void of emotion! This means that you DON’T trespass in their abode or hunting grounds, and do not peek at their online social sites. Also do not ever get into conversations, phone calls or texts thinking that they are missing you and softening in their approach to you, they are only gaining information to use against you. Remember they were very adept at abusing you and putting you in the place of despair that you are presently in. You have put your best foot forward or probably both feet and every other thing you could put forward to end up where you are now. They do not change overnight or EVER for that matter. Remember that you cannot fight and expect to win on their turf because it is disordered, delusional and abusive. That is not what you or I are about, nor will we ever be able to wrap our heads around a Narcissist’s dark and destructive lifestyle. We are people of empathy, integrity, respectful, and loving – and we must embrace this and protect ourselves by moving on and away from them. The truth ALWAYS comes out in the end! No/minimal contact.

My ex narc….

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Narcissists are 3 year-olds trapped in an adult’s body. They lack the necessary epuipment to form functioning relationships: empathy, attachment, honesty, integrity, emotional bonding, and selflessness.

The emptiness howling inside every Narcissist compels them to search constantly for “the next best thing.” This is the only thing that saves (momentarily) the Narcissist from being confronted with the unrelenting shame and self-hatred they carry.

Check the signs… They are very apparent in your relationship?

I have put up with 5 years of lies, moods, lazyness, deceit, other women, tears, his tantrums, having to be the adult, being the bread winner, the bank, the cleaner, travel agent, home maker and much more.

It’s now over and it’s no contact for me to this sorry fat lazy ass of a slob.

I am now being slated , slandered and branded the baddy on social media and to whomever will listen and respond. So for now, I am playing poker with him for assets and personal effects. You thought you were better than me but you know what, your not. This grade A supply is better, smarter and will have my day. You will move to the next and good luck to her. You in the end will end up alone, lonely and depressed. All I can say is roll on that day. I am not sorry I left you, you deserved it. Too many chances wasted and fool me for giving you them.

Now off you pop, the door is right in front of you, don’t let it hit you on the way out.

Oh boy and they have all!

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Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.
Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy (psychotherapy).
Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and the severity of symptoms vary. People with the disorder can:
Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it Exaggerate achievements and talents Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations Take advantage of others to get what they want Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others Be envious of others and believe others envy them Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:
Become impatient or angry when they don’t receive special treatment Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation.

So there you go, I can tick all the boxes for a certain individual who for now will remain nameless.

All I can say for all the lies that have been told, all those who took sides, blackend my name and reputation, shame on you!

My time will come and the truth will be told.

The truth is out there!

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One day and hopefully not too far into the future, I will have my say. So for now I have to keep quiet, my dignity in tact, hold my head up high, do right by myself and the law and all will be revealed.

To those that know me, I thank you for standing by with support and kind words.

Those who have bad mouthed and disrespected me, your time will come. No one has a right to be so cruel to another human but then you obviously know no better and for that I pity you.

New year New start.

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For 4 years I have been sharing my life, home, space and time with another person. Things have never been easy especially during the pandemic but it’s time to start the changes and move on.

Although we have lots of shared investments together I am making the steps to get my life in a new direction. Things will never change and I learned a great time ago, you can only change yourself not others.

There have been empty promises, broken expectations, tears, tantrums and begging but I am now on a count down.

In 6 months time, nothing will have changed apart from myself so onwards and upwards. No hard feelings just freedom from a toxic state and a chance to be happy.

Never again will I invest time, money and myself into another. I am positive this is the right direction and inner happiness is worth more to me than anything.

New year New start.

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Looking back on here, I realise I have not done any blogging for over 12 months.

Covid came and changed everything for everyone.

I was working in London, living in Essex, minding my own business but that has all changed.

I am now a momma to two furbabies, MuuMuu and Bobby.

They have changed me completely and enhanced my love for them.

I now own a beautiful 1930’s house back up north and living near my family who I get to see regularly. This has made me extremely happy and content. My new job is good and paying well so all in all apart from the dreadful virus keeping us all isolated, it’s worked out well for me. I don’t want to sound flipant but it was hard work and determination that got me to this point. No lottery wins for me! 😜

The virus and 2020 changed the world. We lost a lot of good people in 2020 from covid, suicide, heart attacks and recently a car crash. I was always aware of how fragile life can be after my beloved Sam died but the year 2020 has been the toughest. I can’t say how 2021 will fair, if any better, but the one thing I have learned is patience, calm and try to accept what can’t be changed, go about your life the best you can and don’t get caught up in social media, lies, hate and conspiracy theories.

I am going to try to give more this year, be a better person and hope that we see an end to this for a new beginning. Will I have the vaccine, who knows? I don’t want to as I believe in holistic health rather than artificial but if it means I can travel again, I might have to have it. Of all the things that have happened this last 12 months, travel is the one thing I have missed the most. I have missed my brother and family in Thailand, my good friends in Japan and the chance to experience new adventures.

There is one thing I will try to change but tbh I don’t think it’s going to be easy but I will get advise. I might have to accept the issues for now and see where life takes this problem but for now I will keep going, loving my new home, life and furbabies.

To those reading this, try to have as best a year as you can, don’t be too hard on yourself, look after your mental and physical health. Both are very important and believe in humanity.

We are a resilient bunch who have been through much harder times and survived.

Oh and I will try to blog more.

Happy New year ❤️ 2021.